Let’s Talk About Self-Compassion

Balancing shame, motivation, and accountability through self-compassion

Sitting in the therapist's chair, I am a witness to a lot of self-talk. I hear how people speak about themselves, how they speak to themselves, and often, how they bully themselves.

“I’m just ugly.”

“I’m so dumb.”

“I am so messed up.”

Take a moment to think about what your own most common self-insults sound like. We all have our go-tos. They may even be a little hidden, like something that is not an insult, but said in a judgmental way. For example: “Ugh, I’m so emotional.”

But here’s the question: What happens when we stop using that kind of language? What does it look like to approach ourselves with self-compassion? And if we begin to amplify self-compassion, do we lose accountability in the process?

Let’s talk about it.

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion, put simply, means viewing yourself through a compassionate lens.

Compassion is a helpful starting point for all interpersonal interactions; caring about the other person, being attuned to their experience, and responding with kindness. When we apply that same compassion to ourselves, it starts with simply acknowledging our internal world:

Hey, I see you. I see that you’re sad.

The next step is not beating ourselves up for whatever we’re feeling. Maybe we even extend some understanding:

It makes sense that you’re feeling sad right now.

And this is where things get tricky for many people:

Does self-compassion mean I just let myself get away with being rude, stressed, angry, or vindictive?

What about accountability? 

Being “too nice” to oneself is not a common problem that I hear about. But yes, there’s a limit - and when self-compassion is taken too far, it ceases to be true self-compassion. Compassion without boundaries becomes misplaced compassion.

Misplaced compassion shows up when, for example, you feel bad that your child will be insulted if you tell them not to cross the street without an adult, so you don’t say anything. That’s not real compassion, that’s avoidance dressed up as compassion.

The same applies to how we treat ourselves.

Misplaced self-compassion sounds like:

“I never have to get out of bed, go out of my way, or apologize.”

True self-compassion holds compassion and accountability. It looks like:

“I know this is really hard. I know we want to stay in bed. But we’re going to feel so good if we get going. This will be worth it. Let’s do it for future us.”

Or:

“I hurt that person, and I didn’t mean to. I feel really sad that I did. I was overwhelmed, and I know I need to communicate that overwhelm instead of yelling. Apologizing doesn’t mean I’m a bad person - it means I care about having a connected relationship.”

So... how does self-compassion actually help?

Let me count the ways.

Self-compassion keeps us going. Self-bullying, on the other hand, might work in the short term, but long term, it eats at our motivation. When we feel bad about ourselves, it’s hard to show up consistently, for others and for ourselves.

Self-compassion also helps us build better relationships - the more we practice it with ourselves, the more easily we extend it to others.

And it protects us from the shame spiral we often fall into after messing up. Shame doesn’t make us behave better; it usually makes us behave worse. Self-compassion breaks that cycle and helps us build a collaborative, healthy, and resilient relationship with ourselves.

Still feeling resistance?

If self-compassion still feels ill-advised or in some way wrong, get curious about that. What feels risky about it? What internal alarm bells are ringing?

Ask yourself those questions. You might discover something important!

A professor of mine used to say, “It’s all grist for the mill.” Meaning, in this context: anything you experience can be used to better understand yourself. So, explore the resistance - let it tell you something about yourself. For example, perhaps you were raised to believe that self-compassion leads to laziness and that laziness is to be avoided at all costs. Wouldn’t it make sense then that you’d want to avoid it? You just did it - you “self-compassioned”!

If you’re ready to hop on the self-compassion train but don’t know where to start, reach out. Therapy can be a powerful way to shift how you speak to yourself. A good therapist can help you notice the moments where you missed an opportunity to show yourself some compassion.