When Anxiety Just Wants to Help: The Dialogue That Changes Everything

Self: Hey, Anxiety? I’ve been feeling you on my chest all day, and I haven’t been able to get a good deep breath. You’re stressing me out. What’s going on?

Anxiety: Oh, good, you’re feeling me! I wasn’t totally sure. Yeah, don’t worry about it, man. I’ve got you.

Self: What do you mean, you’ve got me?

Anxiety: Like…I’ve got you. You don’t need to do anything - I’m protecting you.

Self: How are you protecting me, exactly?

Anxiety: Well…you’ve got that big presentation coming up, right?

Self: Yeah, tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ok, so you need to be feeling anxious, otherwise you’re going to be too casual about the whole thing.

Self: Too casual? But I’m prepared. I know what I’ll be saying and everything. 

Anxiety: Yes...but that wasn’t quite good enough three years ago, was it?

Self: So, let me understand this. You’re trying to protect me from messing up at the presentation, the way I did three years ago? Even though I’ve gotten a lot better at doing presentations, and haven’t screwed one up in a long time?

Anxiety: Well…close. I’m not trying to protect you from screwing up…I’m trying to protect you from what happened after you screwed up.

Self: What happened…?

Anxiety: You know. I feel bad to say it. But you were feeling really, really bad about yourself.

Self: Oh. Yeah, I remember. I was really upset. I felt like I was never going to be good enough to be successful at this job. Successful at any job. Successful at anything.

Anxiety: Yeah. That. I really hate when you’re hurting like that. It’s just so uncomfortable and sad, and I just want to take it away. It hurts to watch you be sad like that.

Self: Wow…I hear that, Anxiety. That’s kind of nice of you. So you’re getting me all anxious now, so that I work hard to not screw up, so that I don’t feel bad about myself? Because how I felt about myself was so intense that time?

Anxiety: Yeah. You get it. See how I’m on your team? I’m not trying to hurt you.

Self: I do get it, Anxiety. That means a lot.

Anxiety: Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page! So, should we do the tight chest or trouble breathing next?

Self: Oh, well, Anxiety…if I could just say something?

Anxiety: Yeah, sure, what’s up?

Self: I’m really, really grateful for what you’re doing here. Really. I feel so protected by you, and I really understand what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to keep me safe and protected from hurtful thoughts, and that’s appreciated. The thing is, when I try to go through my day feeling super anxious, I’m not really having the best time. It’s hard for me to focus, it makes it hard to eat and sleep, and I don’t enjoy my job when I’m this anxious.

So, I’m just wondering, if you want to protect me, maybe you can do it a little differently? I have learned how to present better. And I also know now that even if I don’t present well, that doesn’t mean I can’t be successful ever again. So all of this anxiety isn’t really necessary, and I need to feel calm and grounded to do a good job.

Anxiety: Oh. You know,  I hadn’t thought of it that way. That I might be making things worse. I just really didn’t want you to get hurt again. I’m sorry, man.

Self: I know. And I’m so thankful that you’re watching out for me. You’ve been doing this job for a long time, haven’t you?

Anxiety: Yeah…basically forever. I’m pretty tired.

Self: I can imagine. You’ve been so careful, always scanning my life for danger and trying to prevent me from experiencing any kind of pain. But now that I’m a little older and I have more skills, I wonder… would you be willing to trust me to do the presentation?

Anxiety: Hmm. You mean, you want me to disappear? Quit my job? Do nothing?

Self: Not disappear. Just take a tiny little step back. You can stay nearby if you want, but let me do my thing. I promise I’ll be paying attention. If something really doesn’t feel right, I’ll listen to what you need me to hear. But I’m going to trust myself, too.

Anxiety: So…you don’t want me to freak out to protect you?

Self: Nope. I just want your company. You being nearby will remind me that I care about this job and that I want to perform well. Not because if I fail, that means I’m a failure, but because I believe I can do it, I believe in what I have to share.

Anxiety: That actually sounds…kind of nice. Like I don’t have to be the bad guy anymore.

Self: You never were. You’ve always been trying to help. I didn’t realize. I’m really glad we had this conversation instead of me just yelling at you to go away. Or trying to just like, do a million things until I couldn’t hear you anymore. Because you know, being anxious can really be a pain. But now I get that you really care about me. So we can work together to help me be the best version of myself.

Anxiety: Okay. Listen, I’ll try it. I might still buzz a bit - force of habit. It’s what I do best.

Self: That’s okay. I know. I’ll notice you. I’ll thank you - I know you're just trying to help. I think we can make a pretty good team, Anxiety, if we just both believe in me.

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This dialogue illustrates what an Internal Family Systems session can look like. Opening up a dialogue with our parts that are working to protect us can help us bring understanding and compassion to what is going on inside. As we bring compassion and understanding to these parts, we can get tremendous relief from the symptoms and understand ourselves in a deeper way, building self-trust in our higher, essential selves.