Why does my therapist care so much about my childhood?

You started therapy because it’s hard for you to get out of bed and feel motivated. Or maybe it’s because you constantly have racing, anxious thoughts and find it hard to get a deep breath. Maybe you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, or you don’t feel tuned in to your emotions at all. Perhaps it’s none of those things, or all of those things. Whatever brought you to therapy, it’s happening right now, and getting in the way of your day-to-day. 

And then your therapist starts asking about the past. 

It can feel frustrating when it seems like your therapist is focused on things that feel completely irrelevant to the challenge at hand. 

So, why does your therapist care about what happened in your childhood? 

1. Because your childhood shows up in the here and now.

You were not born fully grown. All of what brought you to this moment is relevant information to understanding who you have become. In childhood, humans develop core beliefs around everything - emotions, relationships, self-worth, safety, and more. These beliefs shape how you interpret the world around you as you get older. These beliefs can hold you back and prevent you from having the life you want to have. It can be transformative to be able to notice how and when those beliefs developed, with the goal of loosening the hold they have on you so that you can propel forward.

For more eye-opening insight on this topic, check out the movie Inside Out 2.

2. Your inner child may still be calling the shots.

Children are brilliantly skilled when it comes to coping. When they sense a lack of safety, they create ways to keep themselves safe. Sometimes that looks like daydreaming, disassociating, being overly accommodating, throwing a temper tantrum, or other tools.  Those solutions often stick with you into adulthood, but whereas they were adaptive and often lifesaving when you were a child, they tend to become maladaptive responses when you are an adult.

What once served to protect you may now limit your relationships, your growth, or your ability to respond effectively to scenarios.

Looking back at who you were then allows you to show compassion and kindness to the inner child that worked so hard to keep you safe, and puts the adult you are now back in the driver's seat.

3. Does something still not feel right?

Talking about your childhood doesn’t mean blaming your parents, building trauma narratives, or seeing yourself as beyond hope. This would all be counterproductive to the healing process. But even if that’s not happening, it shouldn’t feel like you’re being dragged somewhere you don’t want to go.

You don’t have to ignore your feelings. You can bring them into the room! 

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I understand why my therapist is asking about certain things?

• Do I have a belief that I need to blindly follow the therapist?

• What would it look like to raise my concerns with my therapist?

Therapy is meant to be a collaboration and a relationship. Therapists are trained professionals, but they still can’t read minds. If something doesn’t sit right with you: lean in, collaborate, voice your concerns. A good therapist will welcome that conversation! 

It can feel invasive or uncomfortable to feel that your childhood is being analyzed, but looking at your childhood can also lead to some of the most rewarding, redemptive work that you do. Each therapist may approach it differently depending on their training and perspective. But know this: they are not digging for gossip. They’re gathering pieces of your story - all the pieces - so they can hold up a mirror. 

And in that mirror,  

perhaps for the first time, 

you will get to see the whole, complex, layered, beautiful you.  

If you are looking to start therapy, submit a form here to book a free 15 minute consultation with Dina or Etta.